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/ 4/11/2007 05:38:00 PM
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Mood: Mediocre-tired
Listening to: Tv buzzing I'm kinda sian today. No explanation, day dragged on so long. Lit test was fine, i didn't really screw up so bad. Expect a B3/A2. Anyway, had another lecture in class a couple days back. Although it's amath and it's not really like a matter to me since i don't take amath, I just think that the class needs to co operate more. They are not a bunch of barbarians or some idiots dancing around a dead crow. They've got brains and stuff and i think that they all will rise up if they just had the motivation to do so. It just seems that school's limiting everything, Its making me feel very sick of life. I'm sick of listening to people tell me again and again that i'm very lucky to be in acsbr. I'm so sick of listening to people tell me i could have done better. I'm sick of just being promised promises that never comes true. I'm just so sick of people who dont co-operate. I just need a break..a holiday. I think if i go on, i'm going to mentally scar myself trying. It's like running in a dark room with someone abusing you from every corner. There's a light in the room, but it's very dim, and it itself is harming you. The imagery i used is just 1/10th of what is bothering me. It's nothing major, but i just feel that life is so meaningless with all this going on, and everything is just making me worse and worse. I don't know why i'm so lazy or why i can't study when i can. I don't know why i do so well for english and math and why i suck in physics. Why can't i just go on and get 75/100 for everything and make my mum happy? Sometimes i'm sick of her too, she just asks too much of me. Whenever i study, she wants more and more and more and more. I don't know why! Although she says she respects my beliefs, i think it's far from it. Inside i think she just wants me to go against my dreams, go JC, get a very good diploma, be a lecturer (like she always wanted me to be in the first place) and earn alot of money. I also don't know why she wants that and doesn't want me to pursue my dreams. Even in religion, although she says that she respects my beliefs, i think that she just wants me to screw christianity over and be a true blue buddhist or whatever. I think she just wants me to do it, but puts on a cover face or something like that. I'm so sick of her and her antics. I know there's no point in being emo. I know after this post others will come and say, "Bill you gotta trust in God" and, "Bill you gotta obey your mum" or, "Bill cheer up dont worry!" But i just think that i need some practical help..not just words. I don't know what i'm asking, but i just feel that i need help. I'm unhappy and very, very very sick of school, my mum, my subtle religious persecution, and my pressure to follow whatever my mother says. I don't know what's going on. It's making me feel fustrated and i think it's driving me crazy. I can't think straight and i don't think i can think straighter after tomorrow. My mum always says for me to go to school because after everything, i'll be better. She never believes me when i'm sick, and gets upset whenever i am and never talks to me. I don't know why she is doing this, i'm so very fustrated. Another thing: Prayer group. I'm even wondering why i'm doing this. I cut down to alternate days because of lack of intrest (No one bothers anymore.) and i'm just thinking of stopping it totally. I know it's against my dream..but four months and nothing's been going on. Nothing at all has been achieved. I feel like i'm killing myself and losing my own faith by doing this. I'm super fustrated, tired, and angry of life. I don't know why i have to do this and i don't know why i must be with this complicated, perfect bill expecting mum, and this bunch of look-down-on-us-pieces-of-crap for school staff and teachers. Normally i would end off with a hold the line and have faith. But i don't think i'm liable to do that anymore- I'm just becoming a hypocrite by doing so. |
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