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/ 5/27/2006 05:07:00 PM
Saturday, May 27, 2006
I just wish i died. Sometimes i just feel. Sick. even though I'm not. I try to run and make my feelings go away and just be normal. But well I can't. I'm abnormal. I just can't keep my feelings inside and my thoughts from thinking. and i think it just cost me someone's friendship and trust. It's not the first time..And i just feel as if my other side's coming back to control me?..But this side i just feel so confused..I want to help people..but i can't..i just do it wrong all the time. And it conflicts so much, and the pain after thinking that being such a freak of nature costs other people's lives and happiness. It just seems..whenever i try to talk i just screw things up. It's so difficult. I just cannot stand to see people suffer and be unhappy. I just want everyone to smile..And look what i made..I made everyone sad..I broke a friendship..I jepordiazed a relationship..and my brain is so confused..broken into half..and i have no understanding of what's going on. And what's worse. After so many months of struggling to pass and do well and all the blood sweat and tears, the month of holidays started like that. Sometimes after thinking i just want to go out that window and jump. sometimes i just wish i could make my pain into something else. My art and guitar..I don't think it just helps to make things better..It gets worse..after running away..It always comes back stronger. I cannot seem to sleep well, and i don't really think much. Today at my lunch everyone seemed to think i was tired..and people told me i was really blank and stoning frequently..I think it really shows now. My heart is really really very pain inside. I don't know how to describe it..hai. It's like you made a mistake...a stupid mistake..and it cannot be changed..Hai...and then..i just feel like dying and crying..because i cannot do anything to make this feelings go away..I just need to end things..It's so painful!!!!!!!!!!!.....I cannot describe how pain it is...It's just so agonizing!!#~!!11...I just want to make it end. just end..and just leave...and..hai...someitmes i just think..when I'm dead..no one will give a shit...and they'll just say..Stupid billy..jump for what..HAI..............itsd just so painl la.....I'll post latere.....I cannottr type propreerly anyomre....Feel Like cring my heart out......t...I.....
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